Enkindle This
by Tillian
Summary: Most people think of the hanar as gentle polite creatures who seem to be a pushovers. That isn't the case with Blasto, as he showed everyone how deadly the hanar are.


_Recently I've managed to hit the 1000th post on the Mass Effect FanFic forums. To celebrate my spamming might at the time, I've decided to make my 1000th post as a oneshot fanfic based on a 'very' famous/infamous hanar named Blasto._

_For those that unfamiliar with Blasto, it all started with one of the BioWare writers, Patrick Weekes, making a joke about having one of your new companions as a "Blasto the zany multi-pistol-wielding hanar gunslinger with a dark past, a heart of platinum, and the tendency to shout, "Enkindle THIS!" in combat" in his posting at the official Mass Effect forums. The result? Well it snowballed into a 'iconic' figure as the fans demanded the developer to add him somewhere into the game._

_So here's my tribute to Blasto. And of course the typical discliamer. Everything here belongs to BioWare... well almost except for the "Dirty Harry" referance. _

_More importantly, Blasto belongs to Patrick Weekes._

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**Enkindle This**

_A Blasto Fan Fiction_

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Eddie Lang wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand, while he continued to polish the C-Sec speeders in the garage basement. After one last wipe on the window, he took a step back from the vehicle and grinned proudly as the speeder shines itself under the neon lights. So shiny that it reflected his broad body like a mirror.

"Well that's one speeder done, three more to go."

As he about to continue his duties when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned around to see whose footstep belongs to. As the light shines down on the human girl and her alien companions brightly, Lang gasped in excitement he recognised the girl from the news-vids he saw many years ago while he was still on Mindoir as a teen. He waved at her vigorously, hoping to catch her attention. She noticed him and walked towards him along with Garrus the turian and a quarian named Tali.

"Hey! I know you! You must be Commander Shepard. I saw you on the vids back in Mindoir where they awarded you the Star of Terra during the ceremony."

The young quarian behind Shepard squeaked with girlish enthusiasm "Sounds like you got a fan!"

The human marine gave a puzzled look at Eddie before he raised both of his hands up in the air, "Oh, I'm sorry I've got carried away. My name is Eddie Lang. Officer Eddie Lang. I've been working with C-Sec for a couple of months now. It's an honour to meet the heroine of the Skyllian Blitz. So can I do for you?"

Shepard grinned, "So how did you end up working at C-Sec?"

"Well maybe it's in my blood, my grandfather is a cop back on Earth. So it's natural for me to join C-Sec. Citadel Security is like the police for the Citadel, right?"

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I've like it so far. I've patrolled the Presidium before. That place was beautiful, but I like the Wards more. There's so much going around here and also you can get to meet all kinds of cool aliens. Like those hanar, they're wild!"

Both Garrus and Tali looked back at each other in confusion, while Shepard grimaced at the thought of seeing a sentient jellyfish going 'wild'. Garrus tries to picture a hanar going wild in his head but instead a painful headache bludgeoned inside his brain. The Commander looked over her shoulder and watched Garrus growled in agony while he stumbled around like a drunken barfly that just had too much turian whisky from Chora's Den.

Two minutes later, Garrus managed to shake off the disturbing images from his head and remarked, "For the love of turian crisp packets, that is wild!"

"Is there something wrong Commander?" Eddie asked.

"Umm... yes there is," Shepard replied.

Eddie felt nervous, as Shepard narrowed her eyes at him while she cracked her knuckles in front of him. For a moment he thought he'll get the knuckle sandwich treatment like the other day, when that reporter that pushed her interview with Shepard too far. However, instead the Commander calmly asked him.

"Define 'wild' Officer Lang."

"Umm... what do you mean by that?"

"So far, the hanar we meet, were mostly polite and prudish. Care to explain about this 'wild' hanar?"

"Umm... it's a long story Commander"

Shepard looked down at her omni-tool, "I think we have plenty of time. Besides I need a good story to amuse me after that god awful meeting with the council. Would you care to tell us about it?"

"Alright, I'm off duty right now. Let's head down to Flux."

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_A week ago_

The smell of sweat, beer and fresh leather almost made Eddie gagged as he followed his co-workers inside of Chora's Den. The skimpy waitress lead them to a giant circular table where they put on reserved a few hours earlier. After they are seated, some of the co-workers started to admired the 'beauty' of the asari dancers at the central stage.

"She's a gorgeous one, isn't she?" The C-Sec turian nudged lightly at Eddie, who was too busy looking at the dancer.

"Oh...uh, what did you just said before, Jurec?"

Jurec laughed, "I see, you're one of those guys who fancied the asari."

"Wait what? No! I was only admiring the... tattoos on her... uh yes! Tattoos... uhh..."

"Come on, admit it Eddie! You're just checking out her 'goods', right?"

"No I didn't!" Eddie protested. His face turned red as a beetroot in embarrassment.

"Yes you did! Uh oh, mummy's bumpkin boy saw her 'goods'. Hey everyone! Eddie like her! He'd like her!"

As Jurec continued to jeered his fellow human co-worker when all the sudden, Eddie tackled him down to the ground all the sudden.

"What the hell, Ed-"

Then the turian officer quickly shut his mouth when he heard random gunshots and panicking screams from nearby. He poked his head a bit and saw a giant krogan storming in, shooting the nearby bouncers in the main room. Another human bouncer tried to stop the offender but he was no match by the cranky brute krogan, as his shotgun blow off a large hole in the human's chest.

An asari dancer tried to run out from the Den but he pulled her bioticaly back towards him. She tried to fight his grip but instead the krogan tossed her over his shoulder like a sack and walked out casually from the Den. Eddie chased after him, he managed to rush through the door before it automatically locked the rest of the patrons inside, including his fellow C-Sec officers.

The krogan hummed happily through the dark alleyway, while clutching tightly his prized asari dancer. She tried to beat him over the head but he continued to chuckle manically.

"Try to hit it harder baby. I could use a rough massage scalp."

"Help!" The asari screamed.

"Hold it right there!"

The krogan turned, it was Eddie who carefully aimed his pistol at the krogan. He gave the human cop a mocking laugh.

"I've already killed like fifty C-Sec officers on way to Chora's Den. I suggest you step aside before I'll turn you into a human sandwich, kid."

Eddie glared at the krogan, "You're under arrest for murder and manslaughter! I suggest you to yield and come with me to C-Sec or otherwise I'll have to take you in by force."

"I want you to try, boy!"

The krogan quickly pulled out his shotgun and aimed at Eddie. The human officer managed to dodged the incoming bullet narrowly. He hid behind a giant pile of rubbish bins before adding another heatsink into his pistol and activated his mods. He took a couple of breaths while he waited for the right moment. When he heard the sound of the shotgun opening the heatsink hatch and the krogan cursing over about his overheated gun, he found his moment.

He quickly poked out from his hiding spot and blew a couple of shots at the krogan but his bullets were no match for his kenetic shields on his hard suit. The next moment, he was pulled biotically towards the krogan. The C-Sec officer choked as the krogan clutched his neck around tightly with one hand.

"Sorry, but this is the end for you," The krogan grunted as he aimed the pistol at Eddie's forehead.

"No!" The asari screamed for mercy.

All the sudden, the krogan growled in pain as the electrical sparks fly around his hardsuit, dropping the officer and the asari down to the ground. Without a second thought, they both ran to the other side of the alleyway while he twist and twirl in frustration.

"Who is it? I demand you to reveal yourself, wimp!"

"It's this one, Blasto!"

The krogan gawked stupidly at the attacker, who floated gently across the alley and revealed under the blood red light as a hanar. The creature is larger than most hanar he comes across before. The krogan scoff unimpressively.

"Bah! It's just another jellyfish. You may look imitating with those nukes that strapped at your side but you're no match for this bloodthirsty krogan that killed fifty C-Sec officers!"

"Oh really?" Blasto's whole body wobbled while he continued to ridicule the krogan.

"Yes, really."

"The other one proclaims that one's might with the body count. Well this one wants to let the krogan know that this one has killed one hundred and fifty dirty outlaws this week."

"That's bull!" The krogan protested.

"The other one is wrong. It's true that this one did kill one hundred and fifty outlaws and; now the other will be counted to this one's list. So... does the other one feel lucky, _punk_?"

"In your dreams, jellyfish!" The krogan yelled as took a blasting shot at the hanar but Blasto floated away.

The krogan cursed as he searched around the alley, looking for the offending hanar.

"Come out, Blasto or whatever your name is! I promise that I'll make your end quick and painless!"

"_Right here_, the other one," Blasto called out from behind.

The next moment, the krogan got blown into pieces as Blasto nuked him with his homemade mini-nuke gun. All that is left of him is a single charred testicle. The hanar hovers over what it's left of the krogan when the asari dancer rushed out from her hiding place and hugged him.

"Thank you so much, Blasto! You're my hero."

"This one humbly thanks the asari for the complement. Now, is the other one alright?"

"I'm ok... it's just this whole thing made me tried."

"This one could accommodate the other one. Would the asari be interested in coming to this one's apartment and stay for the night?"

"I would be happy to."

"Then follow this one, it will lead the other one to its home."

As they about to walk out of the alleyway, Blasto paused and faced the human officer that was stunned from the events that just happened a few minutes ago.

"This one is impressive with the other one's work. This one wishes to give these pistols to the human for luck."

"Thanks but you don't need to-" Eddie tried to turn down his offer but the hanar interrupted.

"No, this one insists that the other should keep it. Think of it as a special gift."

Eddie gladly accepted the pistol. He watched as Blasto and the asari disappeared at the corner of the alleyway.

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"And that's why I think the hanar are wild!" Eddie closed his story in pride, just before he took another swig at the rum.

Everyone at the table was speechless at the story. Garrus almost spilt his turian mix from being too absorbed with Eddie's recollection while everyone else just absently stare at him with wide eyes, especially with Shepard. She was unsure whether to dismiss it as a drunken barfly tales or that she should applaud Eddie for being such a brilliant storyteller. She finished up the last drops of the asari martini from her glass.

"Well, that was interesting tale to hear. It's nice knowing you, Eddie but duty calls..."

"Look out!" Garrus yelled as he tossed his grenade at the incoming masked assassins that were after Shepard's head.

The next moment, there were screams and gunfire, causing chaos as the patrons ran out of the club in panic. Shepard leapt onto the table as a group of assassins charging towards her, she twitched her fingers before she made a gesturing push, throwing all of them to the other side of the room. Garrus quickly finished them off with his assault rifle. Only a handful managed to dodge the incoming hail of the kenetic bullets.

"Garrus and Tali! Get Eddie out of here and call in the rest of the recon team from the Normandy!" Shepard growled at Garrus.

"But..."

"Damn it Garrus! Just go! I need back up! We're surrounded by assholes! Also I don't want to explain to Palin why one of his own got injuired during off duty without throwing a punch at his smug face... again!"

The turian nodded at her in resignation. Both Garrus and Tali escorted the rookie officer out of the club, leaving Shepard dealing with a horde of assassins that gang up on her in the club.

She switched her omni-tool from standby and activated the sabotage sequence. The assassins were dazed and hurt as the orange sparks flowed over their bodies.

Shepard took a quick sigh in relief. She'll be able to buy more time to prepare her weapons. She jumped behind the bar counter and pulled out her spectre grade pistol. After she made some preparation to her weapon, she heard footsteps rushing to her direction. The Spectre then leaped out from the counter and somersaulted into the air. She carefully made a precise aim at three of the assailants' head and pulled her trigger one by one. Her spotless shooting skills managed to hit their heads and instantly killed them.

The human Spectre landed flawlessly onto her feet and looked around at her surroundings. The club is in disarray, the chairs and tables were thrown everywhere, there were broken glass that litter on the ground and table. Apart from the looped dance music and the sound effects of the quasars, the club is dead silence. While Shepard searched for the rest of the assassins, she heard a small glass crack behind her as someone stepped on it. In a quick flash, she twirled and aimed her pistol at the frontman of the operation while he aimed back at her. All the sudden, the next moment all the other assassins jumped out of their hiding place and surrounded her.

Shepard felt tensed as watched all of them pointing their guns at her. She scanned with her eyes around the room, hoping to find a distraction to help her get out the current situation she's stuck in.

"Commander Shepard, I'm correct?" The frontman asked.

"Very polite for someone that is trying to kill me, who are you and what do you want?"

"It doesn't matter who I am at the end of the day. All it matters that you're going to be a grim reminder for everyone, you should know that there are places you shouldn't be poking your nose at..."

While the frontman continued his grim conversation, she saw a hanar sneaking behind him, raising both pistols at his head with his tentacles. Shepard's gave out a puzzled look at the situation around her.

"... You may be the first human Spectre but it's a shame that you have to be involved in this... Hey, did you listen what I've just said before?"

_"Enkindle This!"_ Blasto yelled

"Wha-"

Then the next moment the frontman died from two gunshots on his head. Shepard managed to used up all her energy to summoned a dark matter votex in the middle of the club, causing all the assassins being sucked into the voltex. The human Spectre then blasted them with her shotgun in carnage mode while Blasto nuked them with his mini-nuke gun that is strapped onto his body.

After all the assassins were wiped out, Shepard gave out a hoarse cough while waving aside the smoke and dust from her. She looked down at the blacken patch on the floor where the assassins were floating helplessly by her biotic votex before. The hanar appoached her.

"Is the other one alright?" Blasto asked.

"Yeah I'm fine... just a little weird to... well, see a hanar getting into some action... I thought..."

"Does the other think that this one's species is a wimp?"

"Uhh... No. Look Blasto. It just that..."

Shepard felt imitated as she looked at the hanar who is still clutching his pistols with his tentacles. She had a bad feeling about expressing her assumptions about the hanar race to Blasto, so she kept it to herself.

"Nevermind... So why are you're here in the first place?"

"This one was about to try its luck with the quasars when there is gunshots coming out from the club. It checks the noise then this one saw Commander Shepard and the other one in a Mexican standoff..."

"Mexican standoff? Have you been watching _Pulp Fiction_, Blasto?" Shepard quizzed

"Not only this one have seen _Pulp Fiction_, but also _Dirty Harry_ as well."

"You're kidding..."

"This one is being honest about it. Also it enjoys those classic movies very much."

"Holy crap..."

Shepard looked dazed and speechless at Blasto. Being in service for a long time, she had seen most of the strange things and events that happened around her. However, today it's a different story as she witness a gunslinger hanar with a mild attitude, who knows about the human reference from the old classic action films.

He slipped his lucky golden bullet into her hand before the hanar hovers away from her.

"This one would like to stay and get to know the other one more but it has a certain contract that this one must do within a few minutes. Hopefully someday this one and the human Spectre will meet again," Blasto gave out his final farewell before he disappeared out from the club.

A few minutes later, Tali and Garrus ran into the club, along with the rest of the ground team from the Normandy, all looking concerned for Shepard's wellbeing.

"Commander, are you alright?" Liara asked as she looked over the minor cuts and bruises on her face.

"It's fine, just a bunch of pricks from the other gang leader that I was supposed to take him out too, after we eliminate the other one before."

Then Shepard looks downs at the bullet and realised that the hanar is gone from her sight.

"Hey, does anyone see a jellyfish that is armed... walking out of this club?"

Everyone gave her a confused and skeptical look. The Commander huffed at her team in fustration.

"A gunslinger hanar named Blasto! He was still holding those two pistols with his tenticles!"

Liara raised her eyebrows in absurdity, "Shepard, have you been drinking too much again?"

"I've only drank one glass of asari martini! I could have sworn I saw a hanar gunslinger that was here a few minutes ago with my own eyes!"

"Did those thugs hit you on the head, Commander?" Ashley quizzed.

"No, they didn't! I'm positive that I'm fine and I've really did see a gun slinging hanar before!" Shepard protested.

Wrex chuckled at the ranting Spectre. He was amused at her 'rambling' about the hanar, "As if those jellyfish that barely be able to hold a safety pin, let alone a gun... I have to say someone must have slipped something in your drink, Shepard."

The Commander rolled her eyes and sighed in resignation, "Look... just forget what I've said. Let's head back to the ship and deal with the other gang leader in the Dis system, alright."

They all nodded in agreement and walked out of the messy club while Shepard mumbled under her breath about regretting taking Helena Blake's offering. As they headed back to the Normandy, Blasto observed them from the distance before he hovered back to his apartment that is located deep down in the Wards.

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_A special thanks to Mister Buch and everyone else in the ME FanFic forums for the support._

_Also a BIG thank you to Patrick Weekes for coming up the Blasto joke that started the whole thing. If that joke didn't came out, this oneshot piece wouldn't exist.  
_


End file.
